Whatever Helps You Get By
Seems this Catholic priest was feeling despondent over being posted to a dry, desert parish. He wrote letters to his bishop constantly, requesting that he be posted somewhere more hospitable. No reply to his letters ever came, and soon the letters stopped.
Some time later, when the archbishop was making the rounds of the rural churches, he stopped in to see how the unhappy priest was doing. He found a pleasant man, in an air-conditioned church. There were no parishioners, since the closest neighbors were many miles away. The archbishop admitted to some confusion, since the priest did not look like the desperate writer of so many letters. He asked the priest how he liked it out in the desert.
"At first I was unhappy. But thanks to two things I have grown to love it out here in the sparse desert."
"And they are?" the archbishop inquired.
"The first is my Rosary. Without my Rosary I wouldn't make it a day out here."
"And the second?"
At this the priest looked askance. "Well, to be honest, I have developed a taste for martinis in the afternoon. They help to alleviate the heat during the worst part of the day." He looked sheepish at this admission, but the archbishop just smiled.
"Martinis, eh? Well, that's not so bad. In fact, I'd be glad to share one with you right now, if you don't mind that is."
"Not at all!" the priest exulted. "Let me get one for you right away." Turning to the back of the church, the priest shouted, "Oh, Rosary..."
~~~~~~
Calming Monica
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No."
The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry.
The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased.
The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this checkout stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.
The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."
~~~~~~
Quickies
A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"
"Beef tongue," replies the butcher.
The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"
The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs..."
~~~~~~
My sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated cleaning and organizing her house for a long time. Since she was planning to entertain, she felt a lot of pressure to get moving.
That afternoon she phoned, sounding glum.
"I went to the bookstore," she explained. "And I bought a book on how to get organized. I was all fired up, and I decided to clean out all the shelves in the living room. While I was cleaning, I found the same darn book. I had bought it a couple of years ago!"
~~~~~~
A man goes to the police station to talk to the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant, when he asked what the man wanted.
"No, no, no!" says the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
~~~~~~
The elementary school teacher was trying impress upon the seventh-grade history class how Native Americans must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.
"How would you feel," said she, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"
"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date..."
~~~~~~
Captain Hook
A sailor met a pirate, and they started to talk about their adventures at sea. The sailor noticed that the pirate had a peg leg, a hook, and a eye patch.
The sailor asked, "So, tell me, how did you end up with the peg leg?
The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" exclaimed the sailor. "How did you get that hook?"
"Well," replies the pirate, "we boarded an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of them cut off my hand."
"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "So, how did you get the eye patch then?"
"A seagull 'dropping' fell into my eye," replies the pirate.
"What?! You lost your eye to a seagull 'dropping'?" the sailor asked in surprise. "How?"
"Well... says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
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